Beginings of closure

Went into the hospital today. Spent way too much time there, but that's how I usually feel about hospital stays. They wanted to make sure I could walk, eat, and all that good stuff without passing out or going into shock, or whatever. All good things, but it took time.

They told us that the procedure went almost better than expected. I responded well, and according to John was kind of loopy coming out of anesthesia. I don't really remember. I remember the operating room was freezing, but the heated blankets were nice. There was a last minute ultrasound, and then I guess I went under. The next thing I knew, they were bringing me back to my room to recover.

The doctor, and my attending nurse were great. The nurse knew just what to say. The doctor, apparently specializes in things like this. Whew. What a calling. I can't imagine a harder job. She was very gentle in all her explanations, and took the time to help us get as much information as she could.

She said that it looked like the baby passed away 2-3 weeks ago, but she was able to discern that it was a little boy. She was also kind enough to get us some hand and footprints to take home, so that we could have a few memories of our son. She had offered that ahead of time, but what I hadn't expected was the little wrist band they made for us as well. I almost lost it then.

It's nice to have something tangible to hold. Someday, when they're old enough to understand, I can show my boys. For now, it only seems to confuse the issue. I showed the footprints to Timothy, and spent the next 15 minutes answering "But where's the baby? The baby in your belly." Over and over. I don't think he's ready. Someday....

The hospital is also doing some testing, so see if they can determine what went wrong. They may or may not get an answer, but either way, it will take a few weeks. But if we don't get an answer, I can live with that.

It's much more real now, and still hard, but somehow, I feel at peace. We had a name we'd been tossing around before this all happened, and I think we'll save that one for him. We're going to put the little things from this week, along with what we've written, and save it somewhere. I used to think that might be a little morbid, but now, I see why it's done. This is our child too, and he will always hold a place in our hearts. And while they're not mine, I know he's in good hands.