Facing people.

Went to church today. I didn't really want to, I was scared. But it turned out okay. There were a few moments, but not the kind that I expected. The hardest was facing people who knew I was pregnant, but not that I'd lost him. I had a friend come up to me who had been helping in Timothy's Sunday School class. She'd had her baby with her, and talking to him, had said "You're Mommy's gonna have a baby too, right?" He apparently said "No, Mommy went to the Doctor and they said no." She didn't want to believe it, and came to find me. After confirming, and giving me a hug, she told me what a smart boy he is. This I knew. I hadn't realized he'd actually grasped what we'd tried to tell him this week, but I'm glad he did. I wonder how it will affect him in the next weeks and months. I hope I can be aware enough to make sure he can talk things out.

Another unexpected moment came during the service. A soloist sang "More Holiness Give Me," and the tears came for both of us. I don't know exactly what set us off, maybe the line "more strength to o'er come." Whatever it was, I'm glad the boys were playing quietly so that John and I were free to hold each other for a moment.

John says he's eager to get back into the swing of things. I'm not, but the boys need to get out, to do the things we always do: Library storytime, Playgroup, grocery shopping... and a Mommy who is able to take them to these things. I don't feel like I'm moving on, but I do need to keep moving. I am needed.